Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
