Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
