I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
