How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
