the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My balls are so social today.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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