I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
