Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
