after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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