there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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