I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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