I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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