You made me cry and you don't even care
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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