That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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