I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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