I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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