If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
