so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i barfeds in our rink
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
