Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
