is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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