I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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