This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
