Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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