Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
