Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
