Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
