She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize