I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
