I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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