I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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