period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
