I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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