Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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