...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
