rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
