Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
