I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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