Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
