Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize