At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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