im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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