Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
