I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
