Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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