I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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