exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
