Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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