My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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