i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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