Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
