I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
