He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
