went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
