She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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