I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You're so nebulous sometimes
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Randomize
