She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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