M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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