oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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