wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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