So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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